Praising God for The Good and the Bad; The Beautiful and the Ugly

A LOT can happen in 3 months, both good and bad!  And so as each day has zipped by, I've felt more and more emotionally overwhelmed when I've thought about updating this blog.

But it is time.

Some of you will be familiar with much of what has happened, maybe because you've kept up with it on Steve's Facebook account, or you've emailed or called.  But some of you will only know a small part of it, or not much at all.  I'm sorry I can't recount it completely, and I apologize if I forget some of it, but it is hard to keep the tears from flowing as I type.

Last time I told you that, according to my cancer antigen numbers and my latest CT-scan results, my cancer had recurred.  The doctor had already used the best chemo option available for this type of cancer, and did not want to go down the chemo trail again since it was so physically hard on me.  She briefly mentioned the possibility of a clinical trial drug, but couldn't say much about it yet.  So our next doctor appointment was scheduled for February.

In the meantime......Steve and I went on a trip to Modern Manna's program, BellaVita, where we did a "ten-day cleanse."  It felt wonderful to truly follow, to the best of our abilities, God's 8 laws of natural health, also known as NEWSTART.  The letters stand for Nutrition, Exercise, Water, Sunshine, Temperance, Air, Rest, and Trust in God.  What an awesome physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual cleansing.  And what incredible food -- raw, vegan, and SO delicious! 

Tempting?  Hee, Hee, Hee.

Yes, we were spoiled.  I won't go into any details about our cleansing experiences.  Some of it seems weird if you've never heard of it before, but it is all part of God's plan for taking the best care of our bodies that we can.

I must say though, that although we felt so much better in many ways, I had been feeling some lower back pain while we were there.  I thought perhaps it was due to sore muscles from using some of the exercise machines there, and from getting more exercise than I had been previously.  So I tried to take it easy and expected that it would get better with time.  But it didn't.  Plus, after getting back home we found that my CA-125 number had jumped from 28 on Jan 7 to 146 on Feb 6.  We decided to wait until after our daughter's upcoming wedding on March 10th before getting anymore CT scans or blood work done.

Well, that was the plan anyways.....

I can't remember all the details, but there came a day in late Feb when I felt a lump above my belly button.  Very scary.  On March 1 Steve and I drove up in separate vehicles to Santa Fe, where my doctor had appointments periodically.  The doctor ruled out the likelihood of hernia, but could not really say what that lump was.  It was very visible, but did not hurt.  She scheduled a CT scan and dr. appt. for March 7.

Well, the CT scan showed the lump to be some kind of accumulation of fatty tissue, or something weird, but not cancer.  That was the good news, but the bad news was that my CA-125 was now up to 303 and the CT scan showed new tumor activity.  My lower back continued to ache.  Ibuprofen (about 800 mg) seemed the best helper for that.

Not great news, but not much time to think about any of that because Caley's wedding was right around the corner -- and we had a houseful of GIRLS!!  What in the world were we thinking??

Sunday, March 10!

Finally the big day had arrived.  Caley had worked so hard, and it all came together beautifully.  I don't know what the boys were doing (they were staying with Rob), but the girls worked together and, with God's blessings, made Caley's dream come true!

So many friends and family with huge smiles on their faces!  You couldn't help but smile automatically too!

Proud Mama!

I Think We Had the Cutest Bible Boy and Prettiest Flower Girl Ever!

Mixed Emotions

Making Their Get-Away!

There are so many details left out, but that's okay because I think you can go to RobandCaley.com for more info.  I do apologize for not putting their website on here sooner because they had live-streaming and more of you might have been able to watch the wedding from your computers.

While I would like to spend more time talking about our daughter Caley's wedding and our daughter Naomi's high school adventures (Naomi and several classmates won 1st place in their basketball tournament in Keene TX, went to NYC on a mission trip and to DC for their senior trip, and participated at the annual SWAU Musical Festival), I guess I do need to wrap this up and talk about what's happening to me and my journey through cancer-land.

CLINICAL TRIAL

We were finally able to learn more about the clinical trial my doctor had mentioned previously.  Basically it should affect the cancer by affecting the biological pathway(s) of the cancer cells, keeping them from growing, or at least growing significantly.  You can probably tell I don't know what I'm talking about.  I have not reviewed the papers about the study in a while, and am very, very tired right now, just trying to get this post finished and out there for you to read.

I signed up to start the trial, and started my first infusion on April 4.  The first week was pretty hectic with lots of pre-infusion lab studies and tests, etc.  Things are more calm with that part now.  Basically the infusions are for half an hour every Thursday, and every so often there are different lab studies and blood work, and about every month or so there are scans to see what's happening inside me.

In the mean time, the doctor and P.A. had been working with me to find the right combo of pain meds to best alleviate my suffering.  Nothing was really helping that well, except for ibuprofen as I mentioned earlier.

I'm pretty sure (life gets more and more confusing lately) it was the afternoon of the second infusion, as we were trying to finish up to be able to get home.  The ibuprofen I had taken earlier in the day had worn off and my "pain level" was just getting worse and worse.  The oxycodone was not helping.  I was wiggling around and grinning and bearing it, like I often do, but one nurse noticed that I was in pain.  She got in touch with the doctor, and after some discussion, the doctor authorized them to get me some morphine through my port which was still open.  Steve and I were hopeful that I might at last get some relief -- but it didn't really help that much!  We were so disappointed!

Well, one good thing was I slept for a few hours straight after I got home that evening.  I was so exhausted!  I was confused, thinking it was morning time when I woke up.  Had to get re-oriented, and eat dinner, and praise God, I slept some more during the night, after increasing some of the levels of the pain meds that evening.

Another good thing -- I was scheduled for a bone scan the following Tuesday.  So along with my clinical trial infusion on that Thursday, I also met my doctor's working partner (my doctor was out of town), and had a consultation with the radiation oncologist about setting up some radiation treatments.

Yes, the bone scan showed that the cancer has moved into my bones, causing my pain. But apparently radiation can be used to reduce that type of pain.  It cannot be expected to cure the cancer, just merely to reduce the pain.  Crazy, huh?

This has been a rough journey, but as we've seen, there are lots of God's blessings to be found along the way.  I am not quite understanding it all though.  I admit I still struggle with the rough stuff.  Thank you for your love and continuing prayers.  I need them so much!  And your forgiveness too, for not keeping in touch and explaining things more often.  I do love you all and am praying for you too.  Praying for your health (it is precious), and happiness, and every good thing God can bestow.  And praying that if I don't see you again on this Earth, we will meet again in His Heavenly Kingdom.

Blessings to you all!  (Hey, it's snowing outside.)

Caroline    

p.s.  Yes, these infusions do have side effects, not pleasant, but I do get to keep my hair!!  Can't think too straight right now.  Major one that comes to mind right now is low appetite and mouth sores -- awful.  Hopefully we will see some benefits from all this, and especially in the future with possible development of a new drug that could help so many people.  Of course, God is the Master Physician, I will never forget that!

New Year Catch-Up Update

Hello my dear friends and family,

I am overdue for an update, and since I just got the latest news yesterday I thought I should post now before any more time slips by.

Those of you on Facebook know that I had a CT-scan on Monday (Jan 7) and got the results yesterday (Jan 10).  The CT-scan was ordered due to a rise in my CA-125 level back in December.  The level had risen from the low of 6 to a questionable 21.  As the doctor put it, this was just outside the normal range.  They like to see the numbers below 21.

To back track just a little bit, I had a mammogram done on Dec 6, because I detected a lump on my left side.  It reminded me of a lump I had 3 years ago, which turned out to be (after mammo, ultrasound, and biopsy) a benign, but complicated cyst with thick walls.  Having tested positive for the BRCA1 gene mutation, which gives me a very high probablity of developing breast cancer (as if I didn't have enough to worry about), I immediately asked for a mammogram.  The results came back negative, and I am going to trust that this is the case.

My more immediate area of concern, after all, is this other cancer, the UPSC, the rare and aggressive and highly recurrable cancer I learned I had almost one year ago.  Can you believe that much time has passed?

Anyways, to get back to my doctor appointment yesterday....  The CT scan results from Monday started out positive, stating that areas which had been trouble spots before have disappeared or shrunken.  Well, that's good.  I do, however, have 3 suspicious new spots, in new places.  This, together, with the fact that my CA-125 level rose AGAIN, from 21 to 28, indicates that the cancer is "doing its usual thing" and is metastasizing in new places.  That's what UPSC is known for...

My doctor has no wish to make me miserable, and she didn't think another round of chemo was a great idea, given how I reacted to the last treatment, and how thin I still am.  I have not been able to gain any weight back, and tend to hover around 100 lbs.

She did mention the possibility of a clinical trial, which is now under an amendment process and will start up again in a few months.  Don't know much about it, but I think she said something about it being biological in nature, instead of chemical.  Still would have side effects, and I may not even qualify for the trial.  Will have to cross that bridge when we get there.

Right now I am symptom-free and both she and I are glad for that.  I feel pretty well, actually, except for being tired still (same reason, hot flashes/night sweats keep me from sleeping enough - ugh!).  I have an appointment to get my CA-125 level checked again in 4 weeks (in early Feb) and then discuss the results with her on Feb 7.

How do I feel about all this?  A bit mixed up.  I am upset, confused, hopeful, thankful, and sad all at the same time.  I know many people are praying for me and I know God is listening to and answering those prayers, but maybe in ways we can't see or understand.

There's so much I want to try between now and the next blood draw.  Have to EXERCISE!  Need to JUICE more GREENS!  Must be more consistent with taking my VITAMINS and SUPPLEMENTS.  I need to get more serious here, and do what I can.  Do my part, and let God do His part, so to speak.  It is a bit overwhelming when you are tired, but I want to do better.  Wouldn't it be so great if the numbers came back down?!!!

I need to stop typing now, and return a phone call from a concerned friend.  I love and appreciate all of you, and I pray for you too!  Thank you for listening, and praying, and just being there for me.

Love,  Hugs, and Prayers --  Caroline  --  p.s.  My hair is crazy thick and curly now, especially on top!  Here is a quick picture (haven't combed it yet this morning, just with my fingers anyway).

Wedding Bells

Hi again!  It's "Facebook official" now, so I can announce it.  Caley and Rob are engaged!  What a cute couple, don't you think?  They have set the date for 3/10/13.  (Can you tell Caley's favorite number is 13?)  That date just happens to be when daylight savings time starts up again though.  Sure hope no one is late for the ceremony!

Caley and Rob are very busy right now making preparations.  Once their website is ready, you can read their story.  It is amazing how God has led them together -- and especially how they have let Him guide them in their relationship.  God has blessed, and is blessing, and you will love reading about it!  ~ Caroline <3

Family Photo

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick note with an updated family picture, taken by Rob Gonyea.  Our church secretary is re-doing the church directory and the old picture was.....very outdated.  We are all doing well.  I am actually doing better emotionally after cutting way back on the anti-depressant pills.  Still not getting the greatest sleep, but still smiling.  God is *always* taking care of us!  Love and Blessings to all of you.  

Caroline <3

Holding Steady, Praising God

Hi Everyone,

It's been a long time since my last post and I just wanted to let those of you who don't have Facebook know that I am doing okay. At my doctor's appointment a week ago I found out that my CA-125 is the same as my last reading: 6! My pelvic exam looked good and the doctor wants to see me every 3 months. I thank you all for your love and prayers and I praise God for His answers!

My hair is growing back!  There is more thickness than length, except the temples and sides are thinner (so I didn't take pictures of those areas - ha ha).  Plus there are more white hairs at the sides, which makes it look like I have even less hair there!  Yuk!  Oh well, it will get better!  Naomi calls me her little duck because my hair feels so soft.  =)

Had a little family re-union earlier this month. It was so wonderful and so fun to see everyone -- well, almost everyone. (Wish you and the girls could have made it, Renee.)  Here's a picture taken in our garage.



I am doing well -- but still have some of the same issues. I am trying to wean myself off of the anti-depressant since it doesn't help with the hot flashes like we had hoped. I hate being on medicines and want to get off this one in particular, if I can. Apparently withdrawal symptoms can be nightmarish (as I found out on the web,not from my doctor), so I am going slowly. So far so good. I have noticed a little more crying and slight headaches, but this is nothing compared to some people's experiences. I will continue at this level for a while so my body adjusts and then decrease a little more, gradually, over time. Sure would appreciate your prayers about this. I thought I had found a solution recently to the hot flashes by taking red clover tea, but apparently it isn't consistent.  It does seem to help some nights. Last night I got 7 hours sleep, which is pretty good! Yay!

I tested my pH and found I was on the acidic side (which most of us probably are here in the U.S.), which promotes disease.  So am trying to eat more vegetables and fruits -- been juicing some greens -- in order to get my pH more on the alkaline side.  It's not easy re-training your taste buds!

Well, time to say bye for now. I hope all of you are doing well. Thank you so much for your love and support and encouragement and prayers. I love you all and pray for you, too!   ~Caroline <3

Break Time!

Hello everyone! It's been almost two weeks since my paracentesis. I wrote about it on Facebook, but not all of you are on Facebook, so I will catch you all up on the latest. Thankfully, the paracentesis was scheduled early in the morning on Aug 2, because it ended up taking a lot longer than planned and I hadn't eaten anything since the night before. My CT scan just two weeks earlier had shown fluid near my liver, but it never bothered me -- I couldn't tell it was in there. Well, to make a long story short, the doctor looked with ultrasound and said the fluid pockets seemed much smaller than the CT scan had shown. She tried twice to get fluid out of two different areas where she thought she had the best chance -- on my left side right under my ribs, and down low near my bladder. Both attempts were unsuccessful. The first attempt was close to my ribs and I don't think she was able to get the needle in the fluid at the right angle. The second area had to be verified with a CT scan because it was near my bladder. So they wheeled me into another room. They found the fluid, but the needle would not go through the peritoneal lining. The lining was too thick and the doctor didn't want to push it through too sharply for fear it might go through the small pocket of fluid and out the other side. She said she never saw anything like it before, the way the lining "grabbed" the needle each time she tried. I could feel it too. So strange. Well, she tried her best, and the next week I saw my gyn/onc to discuss what to do next. She was happy that there seemed to be much less fluid than the earlier CT scan had indicated and said it was a good sign. Praise God! So I am getting a break from chemo. I will go back for blood work and a follow-up exam on Sept 20, and every six weeks after that. They will monitor my CA-125 levels, which I am praying will stay low. Usually they see patients every 3 months, but she wants to see me more often since my cancer is aggressive. I feel so blessed to have all of you praying for me, and to have such minimal side effects from the surgery and chemo. The hot flashes are no fun, of course, and they keep me from getting enough sleep -- as does the neuropathy in my hands and feet (mostly feet). So I am pretty much tired all the time. But with God's help I get through each day. Oh yeah! I almost forgot to tell you -- my hair is already starting to grow back. It's very short and fuzzy soft, although it's a little patchy right now. I'm so excited! Hopefully soon it will look good enough to go without a hat or scarf. :) Thank you all SO MUCH for all your prayers. Please keep praying that the cancer will stay away, and that these side effects will get milder over time, so that I can get some decent sleep! Love and blessings to you all. Caroline <3

Good News Mixed with Uncertainty

My CA-125 level dropped to 5 and the CT scan showed no measurable nodules! Praise the Lord! However... there is ascites (fluid) around the liver, and a little thickening of the peritoneal linings near the fluid. The last scan in March mentioned this also. The doctor said it was difficult to determine the nature of the thickening, and I think she said there was more fluid than before. She wants to remove the fluid and test it for cancer cells, so I will be scheduled for an ultra-sound guided paracentesis (basically a biopsy of the fluid) next week. Thank you all for your prayers and please keep them going! ♥ Caroline

Effects of Last Chemo; Waiting for Testing...

Hi Everyone,

I'm so sorry it's been so long since I last updated this blog.  I have no good excuse, except maybe being tired and depressed part of the time.  I didn't really want to write those words, but they're true.  I was hoping to be past all that by now, but I guess it takes time to get better.  I've been taking an anti-depressant for over a month now, but the doctor says it sometimes takes 6 to 8 weeks to really work.  I've never liked taking any pills or medications -- and I still don't -- but under difficult circumstances you do what you have to do to get through.  Anyway, I hope it will work for me.  Trying to be patient...

I feel that my last chemo treatment set me back a little (in side effects), but I am gradually getting better.  And the chemo seems to be doing its job:  my CA-125 level went down to 7 last time!  Praise God!

I had another allergic reaction to the carboplatin immediately after the last treatment -- a red rash on my hands, arms, and stomach.  I had been given Benadryl at the beginning, but still got the rash.  Fortunately, no itching and no trouble breathing.  Just a slight feeling that something was sitting on my chest.  The nurse gave me more Benadryl until the rash went away.  Thank God it was the last treatment!

At my request, the doctor reduced the amount of paclitaxel for the last treatment.  But she didn't reduce it by very much and the neuropathy in my hands and feet is a little worse now.  I was afraid of that.  After the 5th treatment it had been subsiding, but now it is more noticeable.  It's not as bad as some people have it, I know.  The tingling/ numbness sensations come and go.  My hands aren't so bad -- usually it is because I am laying on them that they go numb, but my feet get tingly throughout the day and night.   During the day, I can try to ignore it, but at night it is so irritating!  And sometimes it just feels downright painful, especially at the end of a busy day when I am just wanting to relax in bed.  Massage helps a little.  And my sleeping pill helps too, for a while.  :)

The doctor is letting me continue with my low-dose estrogen patches for about another month and then I have to stop.  I am still experiencing temperature swings, especially at night, so am wondering what it will be like without my patches....  God, please be with me.

On the brighter side -- I have finished my 6th (and hopefully last) chemo treatment!  Yay!  In 4 days (July 20) I will have a CT scan and blood draw, and in 10 days (June 26) I will meet with my doctor to discuss the results.  (I have already posted this on Facebook and asked for prayers, but some of you who follow my blog aren't on Facebook.)  I am trying not to be nervous about this, but it is hard.  I just want a clean scan, and to begin healing, to get my energy back -- and also my hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes!  And I want this cancer to stay away forever.

I've been getting out a little more.  Went to church Sabbath before last, and it was good to see everyone.  Drove myself to Walmart the other day.  Feels good not to be dependent upon others for transportation!

I thank all of you for your prayers and emails and cards and FB posts and texts and phone calls.  And I thank God for answering your prayers and being with me and taking such good care of me!

Much love to you all.  I promise not to keep you waiting; will let you know what the doctor says as soon as I can.
Caroline ♥

5 More Days...

Only FIVE more days until the last chemo treatment!  As I wrote to a friend recently, I can't even believe I am considering going through with round 6.  Round 5 was pretty awful, and I cried out several times during that time that there would be no more chemo!   But I am feeling better now, praise God, and round 6 approaches....


The doctor had said that the effects of each treatment were cumulative and that rounds 4, 5, and 6 were very likely to be worse than rounds 1, 2, and 3.  I was hoping and praying that wouldn't be the case, since round 4 wasn't that bad.


As I mentioned in my previous post, I had decided to forego the Benadryl during round 5, because it gave me restless legs when it wore off.  The nurses give the Benadryl to counteract any potential allergic reaction to the chemo drug(s).  After talking with the nurse, we felt I would be fine without it.  Well, after the treatment, before I was unhooked and set free, I went to the restroom.  While in there, I noticed my hands and stomach were bright red!   I came out and calmly told the nurse about it, and she said it was an allergic reaction to the chemo.  She couldn't get over how calm I had been -- she kept mentioning it.  She then gave me the Benadryl after all -- good thing I was still hooked up.


I was pretty out of it and fell asleep early that night, without dinner and without my laxatives.  Big mistake, as the treatments are very constipating.  Over the next few days, the  aching and fatigue and nausea set in worse than usual, and my gut refused to work.  I lost my appetite and lost weight.  And the neuropathy in my hands and feet started, with the tingling and aching.  I even had some tingling around my nose and mouth, which was scary.  (That went away after the first day, thank God.)  I looked it up on the internet, which wasn't very encouraging.  It said the neuropathy could get better, or it could get worse, and that sometimes it could be permanent.  Big help that was!  That didn't help my emotional state any, and I cried a lot of the time.  To top it off, I wasn't sleeping well for several days in a row, and thought I would go crazy.


To make a long story short, God helped me through all of this in various ways.  My mom was here during the worst of it, and she was a big help.  The doctor prescribed a more effective version of my sleeping med (a time-released version), and suggested something that helped my gut begin to work.  My family helped massage my hands and feet, and the neuropathy subsided somewhat, especially in my hands.  My legs and feet still ache and tingle periodically, especially in the evenings when I am worn out.  My hands tingle once in a while.  My nausea subsided and my appetite returned.  Unfortunately, I am still plagued by fatigue, even when I get a decent night's sleep.  It is hard to explain -- it is a different kind of fatigue -- caused by the chemo.  It's hard because I have so little energy to do the things I used to do.  And that leads to even more boredom, and more emotional episodes.


The doctor prescribed an anti-depressant a couple of weeks ago, which I was reluctant to take.  I hate taking medications.  I hardly ever took even a Tylenol before I got sick.  Anyway, this med may take several weeks for it to really help.  I had stopped taking it during the worst of this experience, and the p.a. told me to give it a chance and continue taking it.  It is known to possibly help with hot flashes, and I think it might be doing that (not sure).  I think that it, combined with the timed-release sleeping med, might be allowing me to get a bit more sleep than I used to get.  So that is good.  :)  (My wonderful husband and daughter also give me massages before I sleep, which helps tremendously!)


I am afraid of these meds and of the withdrawal symptoms I might have if I ever want to stop using them.  But I am also tired of being depressed and crying all the time, so I am going ahead and trying the meds and hoping they will help.  It's so hard to know what to do....


So now I'm 5 days away from round 6.  I intend to ask the doctor to "tweak" the chemo meds, to try to avoid any severe neuropathy or other effects.  Please pray for me as I go through this final round.  Can't wait until this is all over!  


I praise God for helping me through.  He is always with me, even when I can't feel Him working.  


Thank you all for your love and prayers.  


<3  Caroline

Latest Happenings

Hello there, my wonderful friends and family!

Past time for another update, I think.  :-)

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing well.  I am so blessed and God is so good.  I have very little physical pain.  Anything I do have I think qualifies more as discomfort than pain -- irritable legs and feet in the evenings, and --ugh! (the worst) -- hot flashes night and day!  They are awful.  My body temperature goes from hot to cold and back again quite frequently.  It is so frustrating.  And at night time it is more than frustrating -- it can be tear-inducing -- as I toss and turn and toss and turn.  I am using low-dose estrogen patches which the doctor reluctantly prescribed, so I guess it would be worse if I didn't have that!  Talked with the doctor about it when I went for my last chemo treatment, and she said she didn't want me to have anything stronger, PLUS she wasn't going to continue the patches after the chemo treatments were finished.  Too risky I guess.  Oh...no....  I am trying not to think about what life might be like then.  It is already so hard now; getting so little sleep!  God must be sustaining me through the days and giving me energy.  Please pray for me about this, that my body can make adjustments and the hot flashes can go away soon!

I praise God that the chemo effects I experience are so minor though, especially when I know others have it so much worse.  I have seen some patients at the cancer center curled up in pain or throwing up into a trashcan.  Yes, I am blessed.

I am still experiencing what I call "emotional" or "mental" pain -- the weepiness I spoke of earlier.  And it is not easy.  But praise the Lord, I recently had a couple of days with very little of it, which gives me hope.  Last Sabbath I was feeling very well and was able to attend an anointing service for a dear friend after church services.  I didn't attend church, but later thought that I could have.  I had not had any medications since 9 pm the previous night, and my head felt so clear and my energy level was good.  I was so happy.  That night things caught up to me a little, and I did have irritable legs and feet and did end up taking something to help me relax.

Sunday was a good day too.  Steve's co-worker and his girlfriend (will call her L) came over to visit.  L is very knowledgeable about natural remedies, such as herbs and such.  We had a very nice visit, and I asked her about this Chinese root with anti-cancer properties which my mom had just read about on the internet.  L highly recommended it, so I think I will try some.  I didn't realize she was also trained in acupuncture and she offered to do a treatment on me.  I wasn't sure what to think about it, but Steve and I were curious.  I know it's associated with "New Age" thinking, but not sure if that makes it bad.  There are so many things we don't know about the human body, and acupuncture has been around for thousands of years -- there must be something to it.  Well, I agreed to let her treat me, praying to God to be with me.  It didn't hurt, and I just tried to relax.  Can't say that I felt significantly better or worse afterwards; she had said that might be the case.  Very interesting experience though.  Makes me wonder if there is anything to it physically, and if it really physically helps people, or if it is more of a spiritual thing.  Yes, there is so much we don't know about our bodies, but I do know that they are wonderfully and fearfully made!  Praise the Lord!

So Sunday was another drug-free day; I felt pretty good.  But again in the evening I felt tired and a bit anxious.  I took an anxiety pill I think, no pain pills, wanting to avoid the drugs as much as possible, and not use them in the wrong way.  But sleep did not come easy.  Hot flashes took over that night and I was awake so much.  Very little sleep.

Well, then came Monday... Caley was packing to leave.  Oh, the emotions rising inside of me.  So hard!  And on Tuesday she actually left...  I am happy for her and proud of her.  She is going to lead out in the colporteur program this summer -- the same program she was a trainee in last summer.  She loves going door-to-door, meeting people, and selling Godly books and materials.  That kind of job is not for everyone, but she loves it.  So amazing that my shy little girl enjoys knocking on strangers' doors.  God can change anything!  :-)  Please pray for her success and safety this summer as she works for the Lord.  May she and the students have extra angels attending them.

Oh, but how I miss her already!  Had done a lot of housework Tuesday (yesterday) after she left to help keep my mind off of it.  And I did okay, until later when I was too tired to do any more, and I had to sit still.  Started to think (big mistake) and cry a lot.  I cried out to God to help me, but still couldn't stop.  Steve and Naomi tried to comfort me.  I was so tired, and it was getting late.  Finally I asked them to let me be alone.  I had wanted to avoid taking any pills, but finally took a pain pill and an anxiety pill together.  As I lay there I focused on deep breathing, and very soon I stopped crying and started to relax.   I slept better than I had the night before, although I still woke up a bit.  Am so thankful for the sleep.  Am thinking God doesn't always do drugless miracles like I'd like Him to; sometimes He uses doctors and modern medicines.  I just pray He will keep my body safe from ill effects and help me to be able to do away with any kind of pills eventually.  Oh, I can't wait until these chemo treatments are all over, so I can move into the next phase of regaining my strength and health.

So now it is Naomi and me.  School's out and we get to spend more time together (yay!), and she is planning on doing more cooking and cleaning to help me, now that she has more time.  She has applied for some summer jobs, but has not heard back from anyone yet.  The Tijeras Library is her choice job -- hope she gets that one.

Happy news!  My mommy is coming to visit me!  She will be here in 3 days, arriving Saturday evening, and will stay for 12 days.  So she will be here during my 5th chemo treatment.  Am looking forward to spending more time with you, Mom.  You were such a blessing to us during your last visit, even though you didn't feel well.  Am glad you're feeling better this time and I know you will be a big help.

Too bad Mom can't stay through my 6th (and last) chemo.  Am hoping the effects of these next two treatments won't be any or much worse than the first four.  The doctor said to expect that they would, as effects are cumulative, but I'm hoping she's wrong.  Well, I know I have somehow made it this far, with God's help, and I will make it through the next two treatments and then I think the doctor will do a CT scan to check me out.  My hope and prayer is that the scan will be clear and I will be able to stop any more treatments and to get on with my healing and strength-building.

As always, thank you, thank you, thank you for all the love and prayers and encouragement. Seems like I always receive a text, or facebook post, or card, or phone call just when I need them most.  Sometimes they bring on a bout of crying, as I get emotional over how blessed I am.  But they are always a good thing.  May God bless you all.  I love you bunches!

Caroline ©

Great News!

Had chemo treatment #4 yesterday and all went well.  (Have decided to forego the Benadryl next time though as it gives me restless leg syndrome and the nurse said that at this point I am highly unlikely to have an allergic reaction to the chemo drugs.)

Feeling good so far, but that is normal for day 2.  Chemo effects will probably kick in tonight or tomorrow.  (Thank you for your prayers!)  EDIT:  Stomach just started hurting right after I posted this!  Not sure why -- hope it's not the chemo kicking in so early!

The BEST news is that I got my bloodwork results and my CA125 (Cancer Antigen 125) level is now within "normal" range.  Before my surgery it was 120, right before treatment #2 it was 109, right before treatment #3 it was 50, and right before this last treatment it was 11!

Praise God!  The CA125 is not a perfect indicator, but a very good indicator that my chemotherapy treatments are working.  My doctor was VERY happy, and so are we!

Jesus is so kind and loving and merciful and awesome and trustworthy and praiseworthy.  I praise You and thank You, my Lord and Savior, my wonderful God, for all You have done and are doing in my life.  I Love You!

And, as always, thank you my friends and family for your love and prayers.  You lift me up and I love you, too!

Caroline

Happy Weekend... but Crybaby Blues

Yes, I'm still here!  Thanks so much for stopping by to check on me.  I hope each of you are doing well and being blessed and feeling God's love and joy.

Just wanted to let everyone know the latest happenings.  I was very blessed this past weekend with visits from my sister Angie and her husband Bob.  It was so good to see them.  They kept my mind off my self and my spirits up.  Brought me some beautiful yellow roses too.  Thank you, guys!  Love you!  Also thanks to my church family for my pretty red rose on Mother's Day Sabbath, even though I didn't make it to church (or to the pancake brunch on Sunday).  And thank you to Caley's friend Rob who brought me some really pretty flowers and a sweet card.  My husband and girls also gave me lovely cards that made me cry.  I am so blessed!  Caley was gone for the weekend, but came home from Arizona late Sunday, so that was a wonderful way to end Mother's Day, with my family all together again.

Well, chemo is coming up on Thursday -- Round 4 out of 6, moving right along.  Please continue to pray for minimal side effects from the coming chemo, and also for my current issues.  I am torn between trying not to take very many meds and wanting to do something to help my anxiety and "weepiness."  The meds don't seem to help that well anyway, so I have been trying to go without them except in the evening.  But I am so weepy!  I can't stand it, but can't seem to help it.  I cry at sad thoughts and at happy thoughts.  I get restless legs/feet in the evenings, and cry about that!  I think lack of enough sleep doesn't help.

It helps to have something to do.  I didn't cry when Angie and Bob were around.  Had digestive issues, but my sister is family and understood what I was going through, and somehow I just determined to deal with my "gut" and and enjoy their visits.  But afterwards, alone with my own family, I was back to crying.  My family is so good about it (I love you guys so much!), but I want to stop the crying! It's better when I have a project or some housework to do, but my energy is low and so I tire easily, so that doesn't last long!  It would probably help if I got out of this house and did something, but that has been difficult lately with my digestive problems.

I pray and cry out to Jesus when I feel weepy, and try to think of all my blessings and praise Him and thank Him.  After all, if I'm going to cry I don't want to be negative about it! ha ha.  And it does help.  I believe He shortens my crying bouts.  But I still keep struggling with them.

Speaking of counting my blessings, I want to say that my husband and girls are the most wonderful family I could ask for.  They stand by me and help me in so many ways.  They are such a comfort.  I love you so much, my wonderful family.  (oh no, I am starting to cry)

So... I ask you to pray for me.  I suspect it's hormone issues.  Or it could be the chemo, or both.  I will be asking the doctor for help when I see her this week.  The anxiety meds don't really help, the sleeping meds don't really help (only for a few hours).  Maybe my hormone patches aren't strong enough.  I just want something that helps!

I thank you so much for your love and prayers.  Even while I cry, I know I am blessed.  I know there are so many people out there who suffer more than I do.  Things could be so much worse.  And so I rejoice in my God, who is constantly blessing me and in my friends and family who love and pray for me.  I love you all and pray for you too!
♥ Caroline

A Night Out

Hi Everyone!  I know it's been a while since I posted on here.  Got a new picture, courtesy of my friend Diann, so thought I'd "borrow" it and post it up here.  :)  Thanks so much, Diann.  ;-)

Last night I made it to Naomi's school play!  Yay!  Wasn't sure I was going to be able to, due to digestive issues, but we prayed, and God blessed, and I made it, and I'm so glad I did!

The play was wonderful!  It was called "Count the Stars," and was about Abraham's struggle to follow God's leading.  The beautiful and talented Naomi played Abraham's wife, Sarah.  Naomi, you make a beautiful old lady, and with the baby powder in your hair, you smelled great too.  ha ha.  :D

I must say ALL the students did great!  It was so enjoyable and well-done.  Naomi's best friend since childhood, Olivia (Diann's daughter), played Hagar, Sarah's adversary.  Wonderful interaction between the two of you, Naomi and Olivia!  You are both so beautiful and talented.  Love you!

Diann took the family picture of us after the play.  Thanks again, so much, Diann, and thanks for putting it on Facebook so I could "borrow" it!  Love you, too, my friend!

I've been doing okay since the chemo.  A bit lower energy and lower appetite this go-round.  (Think I've lost a few more pounds, which I really can't afford!)  Praise God the pain level has been very, very low. :D Going through a lot of emotional stuff though, crying very easily.  Although it is not physical, it is pain nonetheless, and I appreciate your prayers.  I want to get stronger in my faith and in my emotional state.  I understand the chemo can make some people this way, not to mention the "instant menopausal state" I've been thrown into because of my surgery.  It really helps to have something productive to do during the day, and on those days I do much better.  Watching TV or NetFlix movies isn't really that helpful -- just kind of mind-numbing and a temporary distraction.  It's hard when your energy level is so low, but it seems to be getting better, so I should be able to find more productive ways to spend my time.  Getting out of the house helps a lot, but sometimes I am at the mercy of my digestive system.  Let me just say short outings are the best for now.  It was a true blessing to be able to go to the play last night, it being so far away from home.  :D

I thank God for all my blessings -- they are so numerous!  He is so good to me.   I especially thank him for all of you, and for all the prayers going up on my behalf.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, my friends.  Love, love, love you all!

Caroline  ♥

One Day At A Time

Thank you, all of you, for the sweet comments.  I really like my new wig, too.  Am having to get used to it since it fits pretty snug.  (That's a good thing, huh?!)  After a while, my head feels a little sore.  So I am breaking it in a little at a time.  Probably won't wear it to chemo tomorrow, though.

Yep!  It's that time again.  These last 3 weeks went by quickly I think, and tomorrow will be the start of Round 3.  Please be praying for me!  From past experience, I should feel okay tomorrow and probably the next day, but then the third day is when I feel like a horrible flu-type illness is affecting every bone of my body, along with the nausea.  I know I will need God's help and comfort.

I am the type of person who likes to know exactly what's going to happen.  But this is so unpredictable.  Round 2 was better than Round 1.  What will Round 3 be like?  Trying not to dwell on it (too much), since there's not much I can do, right?  Just need to trust God with each Round, and with each Day of each Round.  One day at a time.  Oh, yeah, and Expect Great Things!  I thank you all for your love and prayers.  You hold a special place in my heart, and I thank the Lord for each of you!  <3

A New "Do"

Hey, guys!  Look what I picked up at the "Look Good, Feel Better" meeting Caley and I went to this morning.  I tried a couple of blonde wigs -- didn't look too bad, but this one seemed the best.  Also got a bag of free makeup!  Am wearing a little of the makeup in the picture.  So what do you think?

Little Monster Blessings

Well, here they are.  Our little monsters!  Last blog I said I had some more blessings

to mention, but had to wait.  That was because Naomi didn't know about hers yet and so I wanted to wait until she returned home from staying at a friend's house.  And then life got a little busy and we finally got a picture taken of the monsters, so now I'm finally posting.  :-)

My wonderful neighbor Carlene made these little monsters for us.  They are "cancer monsters" or "love monsters" to help comfort us through this cancer journey.  Isn't that the sweetest thing!  Cancer affects the whole family, so Carlene made each of us a monster.  She said we could punch them or squeeze them or love them or whatever we wanted.  We're deciding to call them "love monsters," but my monster is the green one with the long arms, and when I swing his arms around and around I think of him beating up those cancer cells!  Steve's monster is the one to the left of mine, with the triangle face.  Caley's is the heart-shaped one, and Naomi's is the one with stripes -- because Carlene and her family have often noted that Naomi is always wearing stripes!

Just had to share.  :-)   Thank you, Carlene, for your sweet thoughtfulness towards us!

Oh, another blessing is that I finally went out to Naomi's volleyball game the other evening.  My friend Diann came out to visit and then took Caley and I into town.   She knows I haven't been getting out of the house much.  It was fun -- so good to see Naomi and her teammates play.  They played the toughest team and did well, but lost.  I'm proud for how well they played!  I did okay being out, but it was a little hard being out later than usual.  I tend to go to bed a bit early since sometimes I wake up at 3 or 4 a.m. and can't fall back asleep.  Often around 7 or 8 p.m. I am very sleepy, and sometimes if I can I'm asleep by 8 or 9 p.m.  (Don't like being awake in the early morning when everyone else is asleep, so am hoping I can get past this little issue.  Wish I could take daytime naps, but have never been very good at that.)  Anyway, I had a little trouble unwinding after we got home from the game, so went to bed a little later than usual.  I'm so glad I went though; it was good to see a few friends I hadn't seen in a while.  Thanks, Diann, for encouraging me and helping me to go.

God is so good to me, and even though I have rough times, I know He is with me.  I hope all of you are feeling blessed also, and feeling God's love for you.  He does love you, and so do I!

Caroline

more to come later

I have more blessings to mention, but need to wait a little bit.  But be looking for more in a few days or so.   :)

Showers of Blessings -- He is SO Good!

Wow, it's been over a week since I posted anything.  Time to say something, don't you think?

God has been blessing me in many ways, and even though I feel a little physically irritable right now, I decided I needed to share -- and then by doing so, maybe I can take my mind off of how my body is feeling, at least for a bit.  :)

So if you count chemo day as day 0, today is Day 10 of Round 2 of chemo.  Going back to Day 10 of Round 1, what a difference I see!  I was feeling so much worse then.  I asked the doctor this time around to "tweak" the chemo meds since they affected me so awfully the first time around.  She did, and between that and God's blessings, I am truly feeling MUCH better.  Praise God!  I am taking very few pain meds compared to last time.

Well, I did NOT go to the "Look Good, Feel Better" program at the Cancer Center last Tuesday.  Caley had a head cold that day and I had a sniffly nose also and felt overall "yucky."  I really wanted to get some scarves, wigs, makeup -- whatever I might find that could work for me.  But I knew I would feel worse if I went.  The clincher was that Caley felt progressively worse as the morning went on, and did not want to drive feeling that way.  So we decided to re-schedule for April 24 (it's every 2 weeks on Tuesdays).  Turns out we had a very nice day hanging out together at home.  And the next meeting will be 2 days BEFORE my next chemo treatment, so chances are I will be feeling much better at that time.

I don't remember which day it was that my friend brought me over a "buff" to wear.  It is a cool piece of seamless tube-shaped headwear that you might see bikers or athletes wearing around their necks, heads, etc., to keep away the sun and sweat while they are out in the elements.  She gave me the one she had bought for herself, and showed me a few ways I could wear it to cover up my hairless head. :)  Very sweet!

Today Steve bought me a few buffs at REI when he went into town to get a little work done.  Turns out we will return a couple of them (one has an insect repellant property which I don't need or want next to my exposed skin - plus it costs $8 more than the others; and the other color just doesn't work for me).  Will hopefully exchange the second one for another one they have there that seems pretty cool.  Hard to judge how it looks on you until you actually try it on.

So now I have a few hats to wear (my mom sent a couple more), plus the big scarf from Naomi (have to wrap it around a few times, but it works), plus a couple of buffs.  So I have some choices.  Can't wait to find some scarves that are specifically designed for cancer patients -- that is, easy to put on, etc.  And maybe a wig!  Think it'll be fun trying them on, and hope I find something that works.

Another cool blessing that happened several days ago (can't remember exactly when) is when a friend asked us for something specific to pray for at his church and God answered the prayer almost immediately I think.  His church prayed for my taste buds and my appetite.  And now my water tastes good!  It tasted nasty before.  Praise God!!  And my appetite has greatly improved.  (Eating more food causes a few problems with some increased personal digestion issues which I don't like), but our main goal here is to gain me some weight!  So we are on a better track now towards that goal.  If you'd like to pray for my digestion issues, which I don't want to discuss in public, I would love that.  Need a miracle or two in that area, and I would definitely let you all know when it happens, and give God all the Glory!

Another blessing that happened recently is I surprised my church friends by showing up during potluck after services.  Wasn't planning to go, but decided I would since I was feeling pretty well.  I had missed communion service (funny, the last church service I attended had been a communion service also!), so we had a small one for me back at my house.  Got to meet our new pastor.  He is so nice, and I believe God sent him to me with a special message I needed to hear.  Basically:  EXPECT GREAT THINGS -- from God, that is.  So that is what I want to do, and what I want you all to do.  Pray for me, and Expect Great Things!

Well, it worked!  Took my mind off my little physical problems.  Better go now though.  Thanks for coming by and visiting my blog.  Love it when you stop and say a few words too.  I love you all and hope you have a happy, blessed week.

Remember:  Expect Great Things!  God is Awesome!

Caroline  <3

Happy Sabbath! Learning to Rest..........

Sabbath is here and just wanted to write a quick note to say hello and wish everyone a wonderful, God blessed day.

As Steve wrote two days ago (chemo day), it was a pretty good day.  And the next day was too.  I felt so good in fact that I got a lot done!  Had a lot of church work to do, and I was determined to do it all and get some stuff in the mail before 5 p.m.  Did I ask God if this was what He wanted?  Well, not exactly.  So, I did it, and I over-did it.  Got it done but did I ever pay for it later!  Felt rotten yesterday evening.  Anxious, overwrought, stressed-out, negative outlook.....   Oh, no!!!!!!!!!  I knew I had messed up big time.

But did my wonderful God leave his "self-sufficient" child alone to suffer?  Did He say "that's your problem, you never asked me what to do, you did your own thing and now you need to deal with it."?  No!  Never!  As always, He was there for me.  He provided me with an awesome husband and daughter to help me through it -- rub my feet, legs, back, talk positive thoughts, help  me to relax, and eventually I was able to sleep.

This morning is much better.  Didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked, but oh, what an improvement, and I will definitely try to nap later.  This is Sabbath, and I will not forget to rest!  Not just sleep, but rest in Him.  Put aside all the worries, stresses, and thoughts about what needs to get done around here.  Spend time with family and friends today, as the opportunity comes.  (yes, am expecting some visitors!)

Today we are watching the Oklahoma Family Camp meetings being streamed online at restoration-international.org.  One of our daughters is there!  She was sneaky and didn't tell any of her friends she was going (well, it was kind of a last-minute decision also).  Wish I could have seen their expressions when she showed up!  So glad she could go.  Anyway, tune in and enjoy some wonderful family-oriented messages.

Happy Sabbath!  Rest in Him!

Caroline :-)

A great day!

Caroline had a great day for several reasons:

1) Limited pain

2) No pain meds throughout the entire day, except 8 AM (for preventive maintenance)

3) Nausea was non-existent

4) Had lots of good food - maybe more than me

5) Energy level was very good

6) Good visit with the doctors

7) Everybody we met today was very positive

8) Chemo went well

9) Caroline got a haircut by a special friend

And Steve had a great day for several reasons too:

1) Caroline had a great day

2) Naomi had a great day

3) Caley had a great day

4) My stress level dropped by about 80%

God bless,

Steve